Well, it’s officially out there in the public domain – I am running for two again! I know that people say that you can’t compare pregnancies and that each one is different…and I am completely finding that to be the case.
The similarities so far between baby #1 and baby #2:
- Both pregnancies I was designated as “high risk” during portions of the first trimester and had to take some time completely off of running
- Both pregnancies I didn’t suffer from morning sickness during the first trimester, so much as nausea and food apathy
That’s about where it ends. The trouble is, no matter how hard I try not to, no matter how much I know that I shouldn’t I can’t stop comparing how much more I was able to run/workout the first time around.
- Last pregnancy I ran over 1400 miles total, with over 144 miles in my 9th month. At 5 months pregnant I ran over 210 miles (with at least one of those weeks in the 60s).
- This pregnancy, at only 3 months pregnant I ran a total 88 miles (and only 41 miles the month prior).
- Last pregnancy I could hide my weight gain until about 20 weeks.
- This time I look about the same at 15 weeks pregnant as I did at 25 weeks pregnant.
- Last pregnancy my pace slowed from “normal”, but generally stayed within the same range until the last two weeks before I delivered.
- This pregnancy nearly every run has been harder than the last.
I “know” the truth is that it doesn’t matter at all what I do and that the number one priority is growing a healthy baby. I “know” that it’s such a short time in the grand scheme of things. I “know” how lucky I am and that I should be happy with anything that I am able to do. I KNOW all of these things and I KNOW that if given the choice I would happily give up running altogether if it were to be the best thing for this pregnancy.
What you KNOW to be true doesn’t always mesh with what you FEEL on any given day. The truth is:
- I feel lonely when I don’t see friends that I used to see regularly.
- I feel left out as I see everyone else running strong, while I am just plodding along. I know that I’m growing a human, but it’s still hard to see everyone else getting faster and faster as you are getting slower and slower.
- I feel frustrated when even when I am trying to take it easy, the effort seems far disproportionate to the pace.
- I feel scared that after making such big gains last year, I won’t get back to where I was.
I KNOW that every bit of frustration is silly and that all of these trade-offs are 10000000% worth it. Admittedly, I am a hot mess of hormones and emotion (to be expected) which lends far too much credence to the “feels”. But at 4 months pregnant, it’s near impossible not to let your emotions get the best of you sometimes! I am certain that once the weather is better and I can get in some runs outside (perhaps even with a group again) that much of this frustration will subside. Being cooped up inside and not seeing sunshine in months starts to take its toll. Winter this year has been particularly brutal (it’s March 4 and currently 9 degrees with a windchill of negative 9) and I have done exactly one run outside since the day I found out I was pregnant (since not only will I not run outside in extreme cold right now, but also not in the ice and snow). A few more weeks (hopefully!) and some Vitamin D should do a world of wonders.
So instead of focusing on what I can’t do – I am trying to focus on (and be thankful for!) what I can do. Moreover, I think sometimes when becoming so obsessed with our own goals, we lose sight of what our friends are doing. Therefore, I am also using this time to stop worrying so much about what I am doing and instead to be the best supporter that I can be to those around me.